Friendship Is Important In Saving Your Marriage

It seems like a simple enough concept, but it’s one aspect of a marriage that gets stamped out first. Whether this is due to neglect or it’s done purposely, it probably depends on the individual couples.

But how it happens ultimately doesn’t matter. The fact that it does happen is the truly sad thing.

What am I talking about? Friendship. Research on marital relations indicates that for the vast majority of couples, the most important goal is to ensure that their spouse is their friend — and that he or she in return, is a friend to the mate.

This makes sense. Moms since the beginning of time have been telling their daughters this. “All else, good looks… sexual attraction… matter little if you and your husbands aren’t friends first.”

Not surprisingly, then, when marriages are young and relationships are healthy, most spouses acknowledge this friendship factor. In fact, it may surprise some women to learn that men actually describe their wives as their best friend more often than women do.

If you can nourish — or rekindle — that friendship, then there’s little doubt your marriage can, indeed, still be saved.

What’s This Friendship Stuff All About Anyway?

In order to be a friend, though, you really need to know what a friend is. If you were to ask a dozen random individuals exactly what a friend is, you’d receive a dozen different answers.

But generally speaking, a friend is a person with whom you can relax, talk to about your feelings and dreams, and a person who’s there when times get tough.

Friends are important for you — not only emotionally but physically as well. Research reveals that your friends can actually provide you with that much needed buffer during some of life’s roughest moments. Those individuals who have at least one good friend do better in almost every conceivable way — including their mental and physical health.

The most powerful aspect of friendship, studies reveal, is the feeling of intimacy and connection with the other person. Men and women approach this aspect differently.

And this approach can sometimes lead to misunderstanding. Women share with friends during face-to-face communications. They put all activity aside while they discuss issues.

Men, on the other hand, tend to talk about and share their feelings as they do something else.

In a marriage, friendship is hearing your partner’s heart in the ways he or she is most able to share it. And that can take any number of forms. That means creating those bonds of friendship is unique to your marriage.

Your job is to learn to listen carefully for what is in your partner’s heart and soul. Then you can share what’s in yours. Sounds easy enough, now doesn’t it? So what could possibly go wrong? Plenty in today’s high speed world.

First, let’s take the issue of time. Far too often the maintenance of your friendship with your spouse takes a backseat to such events as work, the needs of your children, meetings and a host of any other number of things.

Sometimes the friendship slips because of a skewed view of it. Listen to this shift in attitude. Eighty percent of engaged and newlywed couples say that their partner is their best friend. Theoretically, you’d expect those bonds to tighten as the years pass.

However, those couples that have been married for a while view themselves as “just married.” They no longer identify themselves as friends first — or friends at all, for that matter!

Those marriages, though, in which the spouses recognize and nurture the initial friendship, are among the strongest and longest lasting.

When The Talking Stops

One reason this view ensues is that as time passes, marriage partners simply stop talking to each other as friends. They seem to put their “friendship talk” on hold and only discuss the problems or issues of their marriage. You’re cheating yourselves of the intimacy you used to so readily share.

Let’s go one step further with this idea. Many individuals in a marriage eventually build a wall around them. And you can easily understand it — even if it’s a damaging action.

It’s difficult, after all, to share your hopes and dreams with a personal you’re currently mad at or experiencing a major disagreement with. We’ve talked earlier about the habit some partners have of interpreting everything you say in a negative light. Who’s going to bare their soul just to have someone stick a knife in it in an argument they experience next week? Why give your spouse any more ammunition?

If the two of you have a continuing argument ensuing over an issue, chances of sitting down for a heart-to-heart on other topics is extremely low.

Consider, for example, this potential situation. You’re involved in a great friendship talk with your spouse when the topic somehow turns to a household problem, ending in an argument.

Chances of starting another round of friendly conversation have probably declined. You’re now fearful that the conversation can turn sour at any time with little to no advance warning. And I can’t say your fear is baseless in this instance.

Now, How Do I Preserve My Friendship?

Great friends question each other. Great friends get together to talk to each other. Great friends stay in touch.

Some parts of this answer may appear hopelessly simplistic. Some of these suggestions are easy enough to offer them quickly. But realize they may be far more difficult to implement.

If time to talk is an issue for you — then make the time. I know one couple who talk early in the morning, first cups of coffee in their hands. And they sit there chattering away about just about anything that pops into their heads.

This habit started simply enough for them. For a period of time, the husband needed to get up at 4:30 a.m. to leave for work at 5:30 a.m. The wife obviously didn’t need to rise that early. But she did because it was the only time they could find without the interference of children to talk to each other.

This marriage at this point easily could have begun to fall apart. Instead, it grew stronger as they enjoyed their special time together.

Without even knowing it, this couple was protecting and preserving their friendship. Research now indicates the importance of this action. Creating time for the nurturing of your friendship is one of the key investments you can make in your marriage.

It’s that important. Search for time. Create special times to do just this. Whether you rise earlier, stay up later talking, or create a date night for that type of conversation, it’s well worth the effort.

You need to take one more step though. And in some marriages this may be a giant leap. Some couples find friendship talks always ending up as “conflict disagreements” over household issues. Don’t let that happen.

If you have to set up “game rules” so to speak to avoid this, then by all means do so.

Friendship Talks Deepen and Strengthen Your Marriage

By doing this, you’ll realize your friendship talks are deepening and strengthening your marriage. This way you’re providing the necessary infrastructure to survive the conflict talks that are bound to emerge.

If you wake up early in the morning to renew your friendship, don’t mar this time by bringing up potential conflict issues.

Don’t consider this avoidance; think of it as prudent planning. Your relationship will be all the more stronger for this.

Sadly, some couples are so removed from this idea that they have no clue where to begin this “friendship talk” stuff. If this describes your marriage, don’t abandon the idea. It may take a little work, but it can definitely happen.

Friendship Quotes Educate Us About Five Rules Of Friendship

There are some rules for success in every step in life. Whenever we do the things, we must follow some rules. Rules are everywhere. There are rules in games, there are rules in office, likewise there are some rules in friendship. Lots of friendship quotes have been written to educate us the rules of friendship. So whenever you do friendship with anyone, follow the rules of friendship to get a successful relationship.

I would like to share five rules for the success of friendship derived from friendship quotes:-

Rule #1: Good listener
You should be a good listener to get the special space in your friend’s heart. When someone listens carefully, he/she automatically earns the attention of speaker. So if you are a good listener, you can also be a good friend. Many friendship quotes teach us to be a good listener for stronger friendship.

Rule #2: Supportive
A friend must be supportive. So you should support your friend in all obstacles. You should take care of his/her interests and motivate your friends. This thing make your friend feel good for you. There is a friendship quote “A friend in need is a friend indeed” strongly applies for better bonding in friends.

Rule #3: Be in limits
There are some limits in every relationship. So you should also be in your limits. Don’t interfere in your friend’s family matters. Your friend may also not like when you make unwanted jokes on him/her. So know your limits and never cross them for the sake of healthy relationship.

Rule # 4: Mutual understanding
When your friend is in anger, you should never argue with him/her and vice-versa. There must be mutual understanding in friendship. Both should know each others very well and should try their best to avoid conflicts.

Rule #5: Trust
Trust is the footing of any relationship. Where there is no trust, there is no relation. Trust makes the connection more stronger. So trust your friend and never do anything wrong.

It is rightly been said that “Honesty is the best policy.” So always be honest with your friends. It increases your goodwill and everyone trust on honest person.

So if you follow mentioned rules, you will definitely earn good friendship. Friendship is the relation of hearts. There is no blood relation between friends still they have concern for each others. There care and love for each others make the friendship relation unique.

Best Friendship Quotes With Explanations to Make Your Friendship Better

We often come across friendship quotes that were once uttered by men and women of great intellect. But very few of us actually know how deep their meaning goes. Today we will have a look at some of the best friendship quotes with explanations to make your friendship better. These will definitely enable you to understand the finer aspects of friendship and what it is that makes it so priceless.

“With true friends, even water drunk is sweet enough.” – Chinese Proverb

Well, nobody can deny the fact that friendship makes life worth living. No matter how hostile circumstances turn out to be, if you have a friend beside you, things do not seem so bad. They are the ones who support us throughout and act as pillars of strength when we have absolutely no motivation to keep moving.

“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together” – Woodrow Wilson

Since a very long, the entire world had been obsessed with power and the subjugation of fellow human beings. Constant enmity with one another had led to devastating wars that have killed millions. Friendship is the concept that could definitely make the world a better place to live in. Fellow feeling for each other makes us realize how important it is to coexist in peace and live in harmony.

“Friendship needs no words.” – Dag Hammerskjold

The basic principal behind a true friendship is complete understanding that exists between the individuals. This builds over a period of time and little things about the other person opens a window to his/her heart. The best part about friendship is the fact that you do not have to make yourself understood with the help of a lot of words. Communication here takes place through sentiments and sympathy for each other.

“Few delights can equal the mere presence of someone we utterly trust” – George MacDonald

In the present times, it is extremely difficult to trust a person. Everywhere you look, you will find a group of opportunists who are gearing up to move ahead in life at your cost. Your friend on the other hand is someone whom you can bet your life on. He/she will never let you down and provide you with that much needed feeling of security. Even if the whole world goes against you, your friend will always be there to guide and support you.

“Good friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.” – Anonymous

There are a lot of people who have had to relocate for a career or for other reasons. But that certainly does not mean that the distance affects the friendships of a person in an adverse manner. Though you might not be able to meet them often or call them every now and then, in your heart you will know that they will be by your side whenever you need them the most. You might be out of sight but nothing can take you out of their minds. Friendship binds two hearts in a bond of love and there is absolutely nothing that can come between them.

Seven Deadly Sins Committed in Friendship

There are certain areas in all friendships that are marked as ‘no go areas’. These are places that stretch the friendship to a limit and result in its breakdown. A good friendship is a partnership that is built on loyalty, trust, love and dedication for both people concerned. Below are seven of the worst acts that can be committed in a friendship that could lead to the loss of these core values in the partnership.

1. Betrayal
Betrayal is at the top of the list of the most deadly sins because it takes away trust. When trust is lost in a friendship there is no reason to be a part of it. Betrayal should not be measured on its type or value. In other words betraying a friend on those things that we consider least important to us and the friendship does not defeat the fact that we have betrayed them. It should not happen at all for the friendship to remain intact. Most times the person that comes off worst in these circumstances is the culprit rather than the victim. The victim may appear to be hurt but it is the culprit that has to live with his actions.

2. Lies
Lies creep into friendship for all sorts of reasons. We lie to protect one another, ourselves or even to protect the friendship. The problem is lies never stay buried as the truth always has a way of coming out. In friendship we must rely upon trust and love to overcome the difficult moments. Lies also take away trust and make our word loses its value. Lies must be avoided for a friendship to retain trust and love.

3. Blackmail
There are different types of blackmail in friendship that are difficult to spot until they overcome us. The worst type is emotional blackmail because most times we think it is our right to exercise, as we are friends to the other person. Unfortunately putting this strain on any one is bound to take its toll on them and eventually make them want to avoid us. Friendship should be free willing and given with grace from both people. If we connive to get what we want because we think it is our right then we are likely to be avoided in the long run.

4. Bullying
Bullying can be a part of friendship that is rarely noticed. The fact is we all want to feel stronger and smarter than the next person. It is easy to do this with a friend especially one who isn’t aware of our wisdom. Putting pressure on others to do things because we can doesn’t make us smarter or stronger than them. Bullying can be subtle in many ways and we must do what is necessary to avoid this in our friendships.

5. Abuse
Being friends with someone does not mean that they do not have feelings or suffer when we take them for granted. The fact is familiarity breeds contempt and in that case we must watch out for the signs in our friendships. It is very easy to take friends for granted because they always seem to be there when we need them. The iterative point to be brought out in this is that because their support is always available to us it should be rewarded and not abused.

6. Theft
Theft is a subsidiary to betrayal. Friendship does not mean taking what is not ours without asking. The fact is because we are friends we are more likely to get a positive answer for what we desire as opposed to someone else. This builds respect and honor in the relationship and makes us sensitive to each other’s needs.

7. Mixing business with pleasure
It may look like the most favorable decision to make by going into business with a friend. Unfortunately it isn’t especially if both people are not aware of the boundaries between business and friendship. When things work out well then it is an excellent marriage, however when they don’t as all businesses have their good and bad times it can generally stretch the core values of the friendship. For one thing somebody is going to get hurt and feel that the other could have done more as a friend. Unfortunately these morals do not work in business because it has its own principles in order for it to succeed.

The important aspect to add to all of this is no one is perfect and we are all going to commit one of these sins in our friendships. What is important is we look to the positives and find it in our hearts to forgive one another and move on.

Friendship Poetry

Poets often write friendship poetry and most of the time they may not even know. Friendship poetry can be very loving or the opposite. This form of poetry can be written about a social friendship, relationship friendship, a work friendship or family friendship. For some poets it may be very easy for them to write friendship poetry.

Social friendship is most often a friendship between two people who’ve known each other for a long time. Writers often write friendship poetry in this form in a good or bad way about the friend. If the poem is written in a bad way the person usually write bad things about their friend or what about how the friend did bad things. If the poem is written in a good way the poet usually writes about how they appreciate the friend or write about good things that the friend has done. Because social friendships can sometimes quickly end this poetry form may not get written as much as similar styles.

Relationship friendship poetry is written a lot by people. A lot of poets start seriously writing poetry when they are in their teen years and at the same time during their teen years is when they start having girlfriend or boyfriend relationships. This form of poetry can be very similar to love poetry. It the relationship is going well the poet may write a poem describe friendship bond between the two. If the relationship is not going well the person may write a poem describing how bad of a person their friend is.

Most people who work with other people at a job usually make work friendships with other employees. Writers sometimes write poems about work friendships. Even though they might not mention their work friend’s name the poem they write can be very descriptive. If their work relationship with the friend is good they may write poem detailing it but if it’s not a good relationship they could write a poem that explains why their relationship is not good. Because in a lot of jobs employees are always coming and going this form of poetry may not get written often.

Family friendship poetry can be very emotional when written. A poem in this form can be about the poet’s mother, sister or cousin. When the poem is written with good emotions it will probably describe how much the family means to the poet. If it is written with sad emotions the poem may be written describing all of the bad things about the person’s family member. Because most people who are raised up in their family may be close to their family this style of poetry because of the feelings that come along with it is not easily written but is a style of poetry that is often written by poets.

Friendship poems should continue to be a good style of poetry. Because of fact that a lot of people go through a lot of friendships this form of poetry will continued to be written. Friendship poetry can be found online, in books and in many other different places.

What Does a Problem in My Life Tell Me?

Dear Friends on the Roads of Personal Development,

Today I’m going to be talking about a “Problem in Life”.

A problem can be very personal, relational, work-based or can be a minor issue. Whatever that is, it has a message for us, meaning that it has something to say to us.

I don’t know anybody who has not come across a problem in his or her life. From a major problem such as a loss, to a minor one such as not being able to find where your new shirt is, a problem is a problem and it has a certain way of communicating things to us: Mostly about who we are at this moment, who we have been in the past and who we’d like to be in the future.

Usually, common responses to a problem are as follows:

  • Ignoring it at the time being
  • Rejecting what it is
  • Denying its true cause
  • Not receiving help regarding its true message or a meaning.

For all of us, there are times when we can not handle it anymore. We feel sick and tired of life’s constant problems. However, especially for the repeating problems, I wanted to remind you of a persistent pattern of thinking-feeling and behaving, and the same or similar thing happens over and over again.

About the problems that change style… Look at the similarities in timing, content, the person with whom it is related, and your reactions to it.

The key is in you. A problem is your key.

With love and awareness…

Duysal Askun Celik, PhD.

Buying and Selling Friendship

“Electronic communication is an instantaneous and illusory contact that creates a sense of intimacy without the emotional investment that leads to close friendships.” – Clifford Stoll, Silicon Snake Oil

It’s not enough that so many relationships at work, at home and at play are disintegrating, losing their connectivity, intimacy and depth of likability. Now folks have the opportunity to create new relationships, poof!, by buying and selling “friendship.” uSocial, an Australian marketing company will save you the time and trouble of creating friendships by “buying” you a few thousand friends and buddies. If you’re feeling friendship-deficient, uSocial will help you “buy” friends by the thousand on Facebook for a mere $200 per thousand! So, need to feel like a somebody by being the friend of someone who’s popular, or need to have someone like you, or have no friends, just ante up! Money talks and it says: “buy or sell your friendship!”

What if I don’t have $200?

While many may scoff at the superficiality and inanity of actually buying or selling “friendship,” many of us actually do “trade” for friendship, albeit not with money. How so?

Self-sacrificing for friendship

One way many folks cultivate friendship is by doing-doing-doing for others in the hopes of buying their acceptance and approval – their friendship. Even committed and married couples do this with one another. We do this at work with colleagues and bosses, at home with partners, spouses, children and parents, and in the outside world with neighbors and others. We sacrifice our own self, our integrity, our time, even our hopes and dreams to please others so we can feel accepted, loved and “be their friend.”

In addition, many even sacrifice their life force so they can be accepted by someone whose “friendship” they feel they desperately need. They’ll shun relating to particular co-workers, or bosses, or relatives, for example, in order to be accepted by someone else whose friendship they sorely feel they need. Specific ways people sacrifice their life for others are: putting their plans on hold, doing for others, or owing someone something, out of shame, deferring from making important choices and decisions without first asking their “friend,” feeling guilty when making a decision that their “friend” disagrees with, constantly seeking approval, and being in a co-dependent relationship.

Controlling others to garner friendship

One of the most insidious behavior patterns that folks use to “buy” friendship is that of controlling others. For example, do you ever act like a victim, feign an emotional or physical illness, or helplessness so a “friend” will save you or work to “heal” you? Do you ever overtly or covertly threaten to withhold or withdraw your friendship if a “friend” doesn’t “do something?” Do you ever say “It’s your turn” to take care of you? Do you feel you need a “friend” to consistently complete your activities or tasks because you’re too stressed, anxious or overwhelmed? Do you offer friendship as a “reward” your friend earns for doing what you want someone to do for you? On a deeper, abusive level, do you threaten a friend with your own self-destruction to keep their friendship? Do you try to game others’ friendship by telling them how essential they are to your life?

Accommodating

Probably the most unconscious and unhealthy way folks seek to gain and keep friends is through accommodating, i.e., doing whatever it takes to please another in order to gain or keep their friendship. We accommodate when we tell others what we think they want to hear, do for others what they want even though such actions or activities might go against our values or moral code. Accommodating is the most common way folks buy another’s friendship, short of paying outright for it, and sometimes we’ll actually foot the bill and actually pay whatever it takes to make or keep a friendship.

Why we buy friendship.

The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship.” Sir Francis Bacon

Very early, as infants and very young children, we have a deep need to relate and be related to; we needed contact, warmth, and human relationship. At that time we had the capacity to be our True and Real Self, but our parents and primary caregivers, given their own imperfections and struggles (as all parents and primary caregivers experience as a fact of the human condition) were unable to see and appreciate our True and Real Nature, our True Self. So, we interpreted their “rejection” as meaning: “Being real means the absence of love, warmth, holding and security.”

So, in growing up, we learned to pretend, to be like them, to join them in their world – the world of illusion, of “lies,” the conventional world. As part of the human condition, most of us learn to become what our parents and primary caregivers wanted us to be, focusing on what they paid attention to in us, what they preferred in us, what made them relate to us (as we moved away from, and abandoned, our True and Real Self, our Essential Nature). Thus, we learned to “accommodate” and please them in order to gain their love, acceptance, and approval.

And now as adults, we find ourselves behaving in often self-limiting and self-destructive ways we feel will get us others’ love, approval, and acceptance – friendship – even paying $200 for a thousand “friends.”

Authentic friendship is an “inside job”

Essence is a heart and soul quality. Living one’s life is not about pleasing others, having a full dance card, or bragging that we have a host of superficial “friends.” The foundation of a conscious, healthy and real friendship comes with accessing one’s inner confidence, value and worth, not from controlling others, accommodating others or responding to others’ controlling behaviors – at work, at home or at play.

The Core Value of Friendship comes deeply from within, not from pleasing or needing others. Allowing one’s fears of abandonment, guilt, shame and low self-esteem and then “doing the personal work” to move through our fears and insecurities, to contact and allow our True and Real Self can allow the possibility of being and acting independently, with more confidence and a healthy sense of self-worth and value. This flavor of Friendship arises from contact with our True and Real Self where friendship is defined by quality not quantity.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.” Especially the thousand you can buy for $200.

So, some questions for self-reflection are:

How do you define friendship?
How would your friends describe your friendship?
How well do you know your “social network” friends. Really.
How well do you know your actual real-life friends? Really.
Do you ever use controlling behaviors to keep a friend?
Do you ever sacrifice your self, your plans, your energy or accommodate others to keep their friendship?
Are you ever lonely?
Do you feel your parents/ friends were/are “genuine” friends?
Would you invite your friends to share in a holiday dinner with your family? If not, why not?
Are you ever critical of, judgmental about, or embarrassed by, your friends?
Are your friends trusting and trustworthy? As their friend, are you?
What was your experience of friendship like when you were growing up?